This Week in Florida – Public Masturbation and Girlfriend Arson
If you want a sneak peek at what twisted fate will befall America in the decade to come, look no further than Florida. The state is America’s bellwether, the proverbial canary in the coalmine.
Every scheme, scam and scandal either begins here or is perfected here, and goes on to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting nation.
At various times, Florida has been the nation’s capital of drugs, immigrants, money laundering, race riots, serial killers, foreclosures, mortgage fraud, bankruptcies, Medicare fraud, Ponzi schemes, pill mills, election shenanigans and one of the richest sources of Jerry Springer Show guests. Al Capone, Meyer Lansky, the Watergate burglars, Bundy, Cunanan, Madoff, even the 9/11 hijackers have all worked on their tans in Florida. And, it was recently revealed, so too did the “Canadian Cannibal.”
Florida is ground zero for it all.
In his book Miami: City of the Future, author T.D. Allman proclaimed:
“Every major national transformation the United States is undergoing—from the postindustrial revolution to the aging of America, and the third great wave of immigration into the US—has converged on Miami. How Miami solves, or fails to solve, those problems cannot but provide clues as to how the whole country will cope with the massive changes—full of both peril and opportunity—that are transforming the lives of us all.”
Welcome to This Week in Florida.
– Last week, the feds accused Florida of violating election laws in purging voter rolls and Florida Governor Rick Scott responded to the Justice Department with an affirmative Pee-wee Herman defense: “I know you are, but what am I?” Later, The Daily Show ripped Florida a new one on national television.
– It wouldn’t be a week in Miami without news of a massive cocaine seizure. Or two. U.S. Customs and Border Protection at the Miami Seaport discovered 169 bricks of cocaine hidden in cardboard boxes (totaling about 459 pounds), valued at $7.3 million. Also this week, the U.S. Coast Guard Southeast announced the bust of 2,654 pounds of cocaine (that’s worth $32.5 million wholesale) after chasing a go-fast smuggling boat and shooting out the engine to stop it.
vice: Having sex with donkeys is a part of growing up for some of the local boys on the northern coast of Colombia. We went to investigate this obscure tradition and foolishly said, “we’ll believe it when we see it.”
Alex Jones Thinks We Predicted 9/11
Look, we’ve been through this before. Anyone who still thinks that we predicted 9/11 in 1994, understand this: THE 1994 ISSUE WAS A JOKE WRITTEN IN 2009 TO CELEBRATE OUR FIFTEENTH ANNIVERSARY. Apparently, writing an article called “What Is Al-Qaeda?” was a much smarter joke than we ever realized, because again and again people are holding it up as an example of us being in collusion with the American government to pull off the biggest terrorist attack in human history.
One more time: The drawing of Beavis and Butthead flying around the World Trade Center, which we ran in 2009, doesn’t have any bearing on 9/11 at all. It was just us having a lol. Using it to prove that Bush is an Illuminati puppet is a little like using the “chicken crossing the road” joke to prove that the egg came first.
So, sorry Alex Jones. Sorry Info Wars. You’ll have to look elsewhere for the New World Order. May we suggest this blog about Kanye’s shoes?